Well Played, Colorado.....Well Played

Because of Coach Jim Harbaugh’s stubbornness to not release depth Charts for the offense and defense, Colorado had a little fun and released their depth chart for Michigan Week.  There were several typos in the names, but still the MMQ’s hat is off to them.

Bravo!  This is what college football is all about!

Suffice it to say, The MMQ decided to provide a scouting report on said depth chart for your information. 

The MMQ Official Scouting Report on the Colorado Buffalos

OFFENSE

Wide Receiver:

Elwood Blues – Tall, lithe, athletic.  Wears dark sunglasses vs. darkened helmet visor.  Can be distracted with two white pieces of toast on the sideline.  Also plays a mean harmonica.

Jake Blues – Short, athletic.  Can be distracted but need to have 4 fried chickens ready to go at any time.

Thin Receiver

Olive Oyl – Truly a thin receiver.  Down side is she’s usually carrying around extra baggage in the form of Swea Pea.

Manute Bol – was discovered that he had a season’s worth of eligibility left and was a late enrollee.  Still learning the offense

Left Tackle

Eric Cartman – Nasty mouth.  Hates Jews.  Tell him Michigan Students are excused from clases on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur and he’ll be pissed the rest of the day.

Fat Albert – He’s big, but not athletic.  Tires easily in the heat….

Left Guard

Bill Lumbergh – That’d be Great if he could block on his own, but needs team support

Milton Waddams – Sneak onto the Colorado sideline and steal his red stapler.  He’ll be a mess the rest of the game.

Center

Jim Otto – Solid center.  Was unaware he had eligibility left.

Kareem Abdul Jabbar – Just have our nose tackle show him a picture of Bill Laimbeer.

Right Guard

Gillette Sure – Not so sure.  We’ll fail under enough pressure and you’ll see him sweat…

Secret Degree – Made for women, but plays for the Buffalos, so that should tell you something…

Right Tackle

Butch Cassidy – Kind of useless without the Sundance Kid at his side. 

Harry Callahan – Should be the starter.  Recently injured his hand after putting 100 rounds through is 0.44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world.  Probably can still play, so unless you feel lucky, punk, don’t try to make his day.

Quarterback

Elmer Fudd – Obsessed with and very, very quietly hunts rabbits and ducks in the off-season.  Bring a grey hare and have it in a box on the sidelines and if there’s a critical play, turn the rabbit loose on defense.  Owns a Mansion and a Yacht.

Danny Devito – Rumored to be a funny guy and doesn’t let his height slow him down.

Halfback

Steve Hanson, Jack Henson, Jeff Hanson –The Hanson Brothers.  Mostly focus on hockey, but have also played the game of football together since Pee-Wee Ball.  I guarantee it will be a problem if they all take the field at the same time.

One-Fourth Back

Billy Ray Valentine – New to the team.  Has a knack for option plays…

Louis Winthorpe – Ditto.

DEFENSE

Defensive End

Neil Page – Quick witted and can think on his feet.

Del Griffith – Only a sophomore and not much playing time.  Rumored to steal the shower curtain rings from opposing locker rooms

Nose Tackle

Vito Corleone – Has a tendency to take a few extra shots if he sacks the opposing QB.

Luca Brasi – Actually scares the hell out of Vito that Luca is his back-up. 

Defensive Tackle

James Bond – Sneaky British guy.  Been known to use gimmicky tricks to slip past offensive lineman.

Auric Goldfinger – Big enough to play the game, but easily distracted by Maize.  Shouldn’t be a problem. 

Defensive End

Austin Powers – Older player.  But has a certain pizzazz for playing Defense, Baby!

Scott Evil – Powers’ son.  Heart isn’t into being a big, mean defensive end.

Corner Back

Archie Leach – Another uppity Brit that uses humor to screw with the wide receivers.  Has a funny walk.

Wanda Gershewitz – First female two-deep in the NCAA.  Will use all her feminine wiles to screw with receivers heads…

Free Safety

Bernie Sanders – Another guy that found out he had eligibility left.  Pretty old to be playing safety, but hey, it’s free.  Might have to leave game early to replace HRC.

Vladimir Lenin – Another socialist that may be a soft spot on the Defense.

Costly Safety

Roy Munson – Tough Luck guy.  Rumored to have a drinking problem and only has one good hand.

Ernie McCracken – The Big Ern.  Older, but can be as good as he ever was one time for one game.  Big into the charity, Kids Without Dads.

Roamer Dude

Bill Walton - ?????  Really thought he’d used up all his eligibility, but found some somewhere.

Dude Lebowski – Watch the Dude.  Can be easily distracted by having a bartender on sideline serving White Russians.

Strong Safety

Danny Noonan – Solid player.  Distracted by hot chicks 

Carl Spackler – In addition to the rabbit for Elmer Fudd, make sure you have Gopher on the sideline in a box, also.  (Could be a problem for Colorado if McCraken and Spackler have to take the field at the same time).

Weak Safety

Stewie Griffin – Has a height issue, but lots of attitude

Peter Griffin – Weight issue, same attitude problem.

Cornerback

Frank Drebin – Sometimes goes by the name Leslie.  He’s seems like an idiot, but can play the game.

Axel Foley – Smart kid.  Played for Mumford in Detroit.  Another problem for Colorado if Axel and Billy Ray Valentine have to take the field at the same time!

Punter

Happy Gilmore – Unorthodox multi-step walk into the punt.  But the kid can really boom it.

Roy McAvoy – Won’t back away from a challenge.  IF the Buffalos need one kicked 110 yards, McAvoy will be on the field.

Placekicker

Scotty Smalls – He’s killing his teammates with his lack of knowledge for the game.

Squints Palledorous – Distracted by lifeguards.  Have the Michigan Womens Swim Team on the sideline for a special recognition.

Punt Return

Lloyd Christmas – Just kick it to this idiot.  Every Time.

Harry Dunne – Same as Lloyd.  They’ll be lucky to find the ball much less the end zone.

Kick-Off Return

Travis Bickle – Are you talking to me? Are YOU TALKING TO ME?  Avoid kicking to this guy….

Sonny Crawford – Not much on this guy. 

Holder

Frederick von Frankenstein (Pronounced:  Franken-STEEN) – Brilliant mind.  Might resurrect bad memories for Michigan.

Willie Wonka – Probably won’t see action, but likes rainbows…

Snapper

Nigel Tufnel – Plays in a band in his spare time. 

David St. Hubbins – Plays in the same band. 

Grouper

Abe Vigoda – Fishy guy.  Watch this one.

Stephen Furst – Flounders around a lot…apparently a legacy player at Colorado.  They had to take him.