In Theory, The Only Way It Could Happen.....

In a dark hole in the wall Bar in St. Louis….

Unknown Voice: Thanks for coming. Mr. S, Scotch and water?
Mr. S: Irish Whiskey, neat please.
Unknown Voice: Mr. P., what are you drinking?
Mr. P: Call me Bill.
Unknown Voice: Okay Bill, what’ll it be?
Bill: And by the way, I’m calling you Jim. This whole Mr. Letter of our Last Name thing is ridiculous.
Jim: Fine. Can I get you a drink?
Bill: I’ll have a beer. (Jim waves a waitress over and makes the order)
Jim: So, gentlemen, you all know why you’re here.
Mr. S: Uh, just for the record, I’m not officially here. I’m just here for the booze.
Jim: Yes, we know that Mr. S. (under his breath) Dumbass….
Mr. S: What was that?
Bill: Jim said that you’re all class, Jack.
Mr. S: DON’T SAY MY NAME!
Bill: JACK! JACK! JACK! JACK!
(There’s a commotion as Jack and Bill start to grab each other’s lapels. Jim separates and calms the two as the drinks arrive. Jack gulps his drink and immediately orders a double. Jim sips his vodka rocks as Bill takes a long pull on his draft)
Bill: All right, Jim. I’m going to put my cards on the table. We’re in if they’re in. (he nods to Jack).
Jack: I’m not here.
Jim: Shut up, (again – quietly) Dumbass….Okay. So, the state will let you make the move if A&M can come, right?
Bill: (nods) Yeah. We didn’t even have to push to hard with the legislature. They were on board with it based on the annual opportunity to pound on the two schools in front of us for all time wins. One in particular.
Jim: Michigan and present company?
Jack: I’M NOT HERE! (grabs the waitress and orders another double)
Bill: Yeah. (turns to Jack) So, what’s it going to be?
Jack: I’m in a difficult situation with a fan and alumni base that believes the college football world revolves around a golden dome in northern Indiana. We want – no, we NEED TO MAINTAIN OUR INDEPENDENCE and not tarnish ourselves in the football cesspool known as the Big 10.
Jim: But you make the decisions. You are the man in charge.
Jack: (gulping his drink) Who told you this? What makes you think I make decisions? Has he spoken to either of you? (Jim and Bill look at each other)
Jim: Has who spoken to us?
Jack: You know. (points up) “Him.” (Jim calls the waitress over and orders another Vodka and Beer)
Jack: And another double for me, thanks. (Tries to grab the waitress around the waist – she dodges the grab.)
Waitress: Is your friend okay? We don’t usually get big drinkers like that here.
Jim: He’s fine. Whiskey is like mother’s milk for him. (she walks away)
Bill: (Gives Jim a knowing look) You know, Jack. I actually did have a conversation with Him the other Sunday in Church.
Jack: (slurring) Are you serious, what did he tell you?
Bill: He said, “Join the Big 10. It’s the right thing to do.”
Jack: Seriously? Really? Oh, man! Wait till I tell Father! (Jack texts a quick note – there’s an immediate response.)
Jack: Father says you’re full of shit…no offense.
(Bill and Jim stare at Jack for a few minutes. Jack quaffs another double. Bill swipes Jack’s blackberry and starts typing under the table. He hits send and slides the device back in front of Jack after Jack tries to squeeze the waitress’ ass and cop a feel on her boob. It buzzes about 5 seconds later.)
Jack: (after looking at his blackberry and turning a little pale) I’m in. I mean, we’re in.
Jim: (glances at Bill speaks to Jack) What changed your mind?
Jack: I just got a text from “Him”. He says it’s okay.